The Church of Google

Google ChurchEver wondered how Google’s church would look like ? I am here to take you into the deepest of our God’s Church.

I have been recently promoted to Minister and I preach at Google’s Church twice a week. If you choose to follow my word, my son, I have to warn you, that unworthy outsiders may persecute you for your religious convictions.

We all know that Google is our God. There’s no doubt about that.

Thou shall listen to our God’s 10 Commandments:

  1. Thou shalt have no other Search Engine before me, neither Yahoo nor Lycos, AltaVista nor Metacrawler. Thou shalt worship only me, and come to Google only for answers.
  2. Thou shalt not build thy own commercial-free Search Engine, for I am a jealous Engine, bringing law suits and plagues against the fathers of the children unto the third and fourth generations.
  3. Thou shalt not use Google as a verb.
  4. Thou shalt remember each passing day and use thy time as an opportunity to gain knowledge of the unknown.
  5. Thou shalt honor thy fellow humans, regardless of gender, sexual orientation or race, for each has invaluable experience and knowledge to contribute toward humankind.
  6. Thou shalt not misspell.
  7. Thou shalt not hotlink.
  8. Thou shalt not plagiarise or take undue credit for others work.
  9. Thou shalt not use reciprocal links nor link farms, for I am a vengeful but fair engine and will diminish thy PageRank. The Google Dance shall cometh.
  10. Thou shalt not manipulate Search Results. Search Engine Optimization is but the work of Microsoft.

I know you always wondered, is there a Google afterlife? Well, my son, by uploading our thoughts and opinions onto the Internet, we live on in Google’s cache even after our death.

Another question that I am certain you would like to ask is if Google is God, who is Satan? Good question, my beloved son, but the answer should be obvious. Satan is quite simply Microsoft.

Please do visit our church more often, my sheep, and learn Google’s word and search faith. As a faithful follower of Google and Her mighty Algorithms, you should already know how to properly search.

Please DO remeber that Googlism DOESN’t hurt people by sending them to Hell. If you reject Google as your God, nothing negative (aside from your search results being crappy) will happen to you.

Philipp, my friend and preaching coleague at the chapel, also wrote about Google’s Church.

Am I Feeling Luckyâ„¢ my son ? NO is the answer. What do you think of our Church’s picture ?

PS: Thanks to Jim, we now know that our great God is searched more than all the other gods or religions. Thank you flock, for believing.

Published by

Cristian Mezei

I am myself.

28 thoughts on “The Church of Google”

  1. I didn’t get that #7.

    How are you supposed to link through google, unless you link to a Google’s Cached version of your page.

    Google link’s are straight to the pages it finds, which makes be think..

    If you don’t have the stupid google bar installed how does google track clicks? I don’t see any other requests going anywhere on my HTTP monitor,
    and they somehow have to see if the searches are effective or not…

    Which had me thinking that if there was such a thing as a redirect from google, then I’ll put all my links that way to make it seem that people found my pages through google search

  2. Why shouldn’t google be used as a verb? I believe that using google as a verb demonstrates to the non-believers that there is a difference between just “doing a search” and using google to do that search.

  3. “Thou shalt not manipulate Search Results. Search Engine Optimization is but the work of Microsoft.”

    isnt the name if this website “SEO”Pedia ?

  4. “6. Thou shalt not misspell.”

    “…my sheeps.”

    Uh, we use sheep for both singular and plural.

    Personally, I think Google is the “Ori.” (obligatory Stargate SG-1 reference.)

  5. The Grand G forgives you when you misspell and shows you the way… (G knows what you’re looking for better than yourself)

  6. “I love Google and if loving the Google is wrong I don’t want to be right!”
    – Book of Schmidt 5:28

  7. Why is this posted under “funny-stuff”?

    It’s all true! The people at the church actually branded the 10 commandments on my posterior during the “certification test”.


  8. But Microsoft can’t be Satan… 4chan is.

    It’s so obvious–they both lead people all over the world/internet into evil, they both spawn demons on a regular basis, they’re both located in Hell but have a tendency to seep out into the rest of the world to spread their evil influence… heck, they even end in the same two letters.

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